Just Ramblings.

So Wednesday I got my CA125 test results back, which showed it went up, which wasn’t that surprising because last time I was off chemo for 5 weeks vs my usual 3 weeks it went up as well. The issue is though, we want to see it going down, or even leveling off, but these two times when it has gone up, it’s showing us we’re missing something. Maybe it IS cancer in my lung, but if it’s not, then there is something else we’re missing. So you hate to HOPE for cancer somewhere, but if it isn’t cancer in my lung then we have a whole new issue and no idea where to start looking. So while I’d prefer not to have cancer in my lung, at least it would be an answer, and sometimes it’s best to hope for answers.

I haven’t been feeling as bad as I usually do, which is another strange thing, because naturally, I don’t want to feel like death of course, but since I don’t it makes me wonder if the one med I got wasn’t strong enough on it’s own to make a difference.

There is a lot that is out of my control at this point, and it’s hard. It’d be easy to throw in the towel, to say I’m tired and give up, in any number of ways, like for instance, I’ve thought about stopping chemo because it does take so much out of me, and it leaves me without an immune system so there is very little I can do, I want to get back to things like hanging out with people in person. However, I can’t give up now. I’ve come too far to let it be for nothing, and my family deserves more effort from me, I can still beat this and as long as there is that chance I’ve got to try. Or I don’t “got” to, but I should. Life is precious even if it doesn’t always feel that way.

I can’t remember if I said or not, but my lung biopsy is the 19th (at 6:30am… fun), which will be a week before my next oncologist appointment/maybe chemo (because on chemo days I never know if I will or won’t be having chemo, it all depends on my doctor’s suggestions, and my labs and such being in order). So I SHOULD learn on the 26th what the spot on my left lung is. And like I said, at this point I have no idea what I should wish for, so I’m trying not to wish, and trying instead to give it to God.

Speaking of God, pride month has me all in a tizzy for… reasons. I’m pansexual, and at least demisexual if not full on asexual. I’ve experienced these things in relationships (I’ve dated a girl as well as guys, and I’ve had relationships where there was no sex involved) and they weren’t just a phase I got over. What does this have to do with God? Well, the church I used to go to (and I still feel very close to many of the people there) is the kind that has the idea that being gay or trans or anything other than straight is a choice. Which is like… no. Just you’re wrong. But despite this belief, I see like pretty much ALL of them using the facebook pride month rainbow backgrounds, and it makes me want to puke. In fact every time I think about their views on that sort of thing, I feel physically ill. Because I’ve tried reasoning with them, and all that, but they just spin it back on me being too sensitive. But I can’t imagine going to any other church, but I feel like such a hypocrite. Not only that, but they are the reason I can’t be honest about my sexuality on facebook. Because apparently being myself is a sin!

I want to believe in God, but it’s the bigotry of so many of his followers which pushes me in the opposite direction. If God doesn’t make mistakes then shouldn’t it go without saying that LGBT+ folks are just fine the way they are?

But anyway, I try not to think too much about all that, which is maybe cowardly, but it’s the only way I know to handle it since I’m not ready to leave that church (though I haven’t been in months, they still haven’t forgotten me, and there are a lot of good things about that church that I don’t know how else to find, like it’s a smallish church with a family like feel, etc. etc.) but I also know how they feel about LGBT+ is wrong, and not what a loving God would want from his followers.

So moving on… I said in my last post how I broke my phone, SOMEHOW, like I never dropped it or anything, but at chemo the multitask button came off which it’s still usable, but it is inconvenient when I need that button and I have to use a pen or something to press it. But it isn’t all that often I use that button anyway.

BUT insurance pulls through, and I’m getting a new phone, which I’m almost bummed about because I like my phone and I don’t even get to choose I just get a Samsung galaxy s8 active because that’s what they said. Don’t even get to pick the color. It’s gonna be gold which is probably the last color I would pick myself, but the color doesn’t really matter. I should be excited for my new phone, but instead I’m worried I won’t be able to save all my pictures and things like that. It’s just a hassle, and lately I’m tired and bored. I need to get excited though. People my age love getting new phones! And at least it’ll be something new to play with for a bit, distract me from some of the monotony of life these days.

Oh and speaking of getting new things, it’s less than a month until my birthday. I turn 25 on the 2nd of July. I haven’t even thought about what I might ask for (though, we aren’t really swimming in extra cash right now, so I may not get anything at all. still though, I should ask for something, right?), and my mom already ordered me a cake from QVC (because she has a legit addiction to that channel and can’t stop buying stuff there) which is nice I guess, but maybe I wanted more of a say in my cake. Most exciting I guess is that I’m here to turn a year older, because we haven’t always been sure I would be, and we’re not sure I’ll make it to my 26th birthday, so we have to make of this one what we can. Make good memories and such.

I’m tired, despite napping all day, so I guess I’ll turn in for the night. Hope you had a good day! ❤

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